I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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