You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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