So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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