I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
