did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
