Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
