Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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