I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
