grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
