For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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