my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
