Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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