Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
