atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
