Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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