I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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