help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
