I'm drive I can fine osifer
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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