we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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