do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
