I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
