You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
