Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
