i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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