i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
