I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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