Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
