I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
