Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
