I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
