yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
