when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
