i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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