I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
