a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
