I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All the doctor said was why
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
