Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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