I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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