i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
