The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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