the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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