I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
