Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
