nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
