I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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