Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
