he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize