I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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