I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
