He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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