why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
