what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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