I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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