Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
