With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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