I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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