I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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